This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
where does the pee come out of this thing
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
