I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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