fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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