My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
