I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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