Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
