So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
