buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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