My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
