She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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