My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
