Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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