Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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