i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
