They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
