I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
