She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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