chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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