just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
