we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
