Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
