You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
