she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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