What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
