the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
