The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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