Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
