i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
