it wasn't lemon gatorade
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
