I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
