Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
