Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My dick has a subreddit
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
