I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
