I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
