Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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