Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
