How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
and you said cock pushups were impossible
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
