i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
