Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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