My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
