Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
How does one acquire holy water?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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