We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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