if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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