I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
