My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
