I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
