someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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