Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
