I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
