made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
