Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
