but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
time to smoke my breakfast
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Randomize
