i wish peter jackson would direct porn
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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