I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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