so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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