If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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